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How do you detach your soul from someone whom you think you will spend the rest of your life with?

The answer is, I didn’t know. Yet.

Love is strange, isn’t it? How one day you thought you’d still be with certain someone, and then the next day, you fell apart and found yourself alone questioning your times together. But I guess, after having some thoughts, it’s not that sudden. Deep down, after countless fights, I always knew, we’re not compatible with each other. We just forcing ourselves to keep being together based on some kind of illusion which our body’s chemistry created: a human primal instinct to survive. Turns out, reasons loose with some kind of primitive urge *insert bitter chuckle here*. I always hoping that I’m a human with my own free will, my own desire, with rational thinking like those philosophy books I’ve read, because it’s hard to be someone who always poured my soul to everything I did or said in this cold and sleepless reality: but of course I failed, miserably. Geez, this is hard. Writing these stuff… is harder than I thought. By writing it, I have to acknowledge all of these happened in my life, all of the feelings that I felt and still feel, with all of my conscious and subconscious minds.

If I may become melancholic for just a while here, perhaps.. Just perhaps.. It’s what the universe wanted me to experienced. After all, the universe is bigger than me. Bigger than us.

Kemiskinan itu Bernama Sartre

Kemiskinan itu Bernama Sartre

Kamu tahu kemiskinan serupa borgol
yang ikatnya menyita seluruh hidupmu juga hidup pelancong
yang tadak sengaja melongok ke dalam matamu.

Anak-anak tidak lagi mengepal harap dan belajar.
Setiap inchi pundaknya tumbuh mata air
yang riaknya dipenuhi nganga tanya dan kecemasan-kecemasan akan esok.
Deras dan memegapkan.

Seserok, dua serok, juga minggu dan bulan
yang kamu angkut bersama batu dan pasir
yang menjadikan setapak bagi kami untuk melongok-longok ke dalam redup matamu.

Matamu, seorang pendongeng tabah yang sesekali ingin membenturkan diri
pada kisah-kisah hebat tentang Sartre dan ide-ide kebebasannya.
Tapi matamu yang lebih sering ingin terpejam itu enggan berakrib dengan waktu.
Waktu adalah repetisi nanar nasib yang setiap detiknya memakui segala umpama.
Kebebasan bagimu merupakan Chanel No.5--parfum mewah
yang aromanya asing dan tidak sampai pada pucuk hidungmu:
seperti kesempatan memilih besok makan apa.

Pekalongan, 30 Juni 2019.

Your Favorite Gig Buds

Joy Division longsleeve, boyfriend's own; red floral skirt, thrifted; hijab, Uniqlo x Hana Tajima, boots, Choies Clothing 

Hijab, Uniqlo x Hana Tajima; moto jacket, Zara; stripes top, H&M; brocade skirt, Salestock, boots, Pull & Bear

Me with Uti (my friend who took this photo). Major love for you!!  TYSM <3

Disenyumin malah begitu </3 

Alhamdulillah senyum juga :p

Ndelok opo sih, Nduk? X)

Ps: all picture credits to my bae, Uti. Make sure to check out her beauty products review!

Gelembung kosong

This time, I just want to pour what I feel in here. I have to write it down. I need to. To survive.

In life, everyone had been through million of bad times. Those times had shaped you to be who you are now. So did I. I've been through a lot. My life was like a 7 seasons of opera soap, too much drama with complicated plot.  But, it seems like life didn't give me enough of it that I too had to heard that my life wasn't worthed. I'm starting to believe it. I have to struggle fighting those bad memories and also fighting this worst feeling I got from inside and my surroundings.

See, i'm not the namaste-happy kind of girl. I know we're not always gonna be happy for no reason, there's must be something that will make you sad. Balanced. Yin and yang. The problem is, sometimes I'm happy, sad, sometimes I'm both, sometimes even worse. Sometimes I can smell the rose of grief so close, so enchanting, and I find myself almost fall and soaked underneath them. But then I remember why I hold on so long. So I took a bath and sleep. Sleep is always a best medicine. And fiction helped me to escape it.

One day, I bought a book that I could see a lot myself in it. It was 9 dari Nadira by Leila S. Chudori.  The book captivated me. It left some deep dark feeling after I read it, yet so strange, because the book also helped me to understand better for what I felt and I've been through. I remember a quote, "the right book at the right time, may mean more in a person's life more than anything else". 9 dari Nadira is like a light that guide me out of a deep dark hole. It told me not grieve, but the will to live. Survive.

Then, there's you. You came along, brought a hope that once I burried because I thought I couldn't have it. We're not always in one mind, we argued, fight, but that's ok cause you keep me company through a good and bad times. You make me believe that there's a safe and warm place that I can always come back and lay down. You make me feel like I'm home. Like everything i've ever lost come back to me.

If 9 dari Nadira is a light to me, then you are the hand that pulled me out of that darkness. A shield, to fight the future. 

And I give you my light, my 9 dari Nadira, to shed the fog and guide you understands me better. I hope you read it well, like you read me. 

Sincerely, your complicated girl.