This time, I just want to pour what I feel in here. I have to write it down. I need to. To survive.
In life, everyone had been through million of bad times. Those times had shaped you to be who you are now. So did I. I've been through a lot. My life was like a 7 seasons of opera soap, too much drama with complicated plot. But, it seems like life didn't give me enough of it that I too had to heard that my life wasn't worthed. I'm starting to believe it. I have to struggle fighting those bad memories and also fighting this worst feeling I got from inside and my surroundings.
See, i'm not the namaste-happy kind of girl. I know we're not always gonna be happy for no reason, there's must be something that will make you sad. Balanced. Yin and yang. The problem is, sometimes I'm happy, sad, sometimes I'm both, sometimes even worse. Sometimes I can smell the rose of grief so close, so enchanting, and I find myself almost fall and soaked underneath them. But then I remember why I hold on so long. So I took a bath and sleep. Sleep is always a best medicine. And fiction helped me to escape it.
One day, I bought a book that I could see a lot myself in it. It was 9 dari Nadira by Leila S. Chudori. The book captivated me. It left some deep dark feeling after I read it, yet so strange, because the book also helped me to understand better for what I felt and I've been through. I remember a quote, "the right book at the right time, may mean more in a person's life more than anything else". 9 dari Nadira is like a light that guide me out of a deep dark hole. It told me not grieve, but the will to live. Survive.
Then, there's you. You came along, brought a hope that once I burried because I thought I couldn't have it. We're not always in one mind, we argued, fight, but that's ok cause you keep me company through a good and bad times. You make me believe that there's a safe and warm place that I can always come back and lay down. You make me feel like I'm home. Like everything i've ever lost come back to me.
If 9 dari Nadira is a light to me, then you are the hand that pulled me out of that darkness. A shield, to fight the future.
And I give you my light, my 9 dari Nadira, to shed the fog and guide you understands me better. I hope you read it well, like you read me.
Sincerely, your complicated girl.
