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How do you detach your soul from someone whom you think you will spend the rest of your life with?

The answer is, I didn’t know. Yet.

Love is strange, isn’t it? How one day you thought you’d still be with certain someone, and then the next day, you fell apart and found yourself alone questioning your times together. But I guess, after having some thoughts, it’s not that sudden. Deep down, after countless fights, I always knew, we’re not compatible with each other. We just forcing ourselves to keep being together based on some kind of illusion which our body’s chemistry created: a human primal instinct to survive. Turns out, reasons loose with some kind of primitive urge *insert bitter chuckle here*. I always hoping that I’m a human with my own free will, my own desire, with rational thinking like those philosophy books I’ve read, because it’s hard to be someone who always poured my soul to everything I did or said in this cold and sleepless reality: but of course I failed, miserably. Geez, this is hard. Writing these stuff… is harder than I thought. By writing it, I have to acknowledge all of these happened in my life, all of the feelings that I felt and still feel, with all of my conscious and subconscious minds.

If I may become melancholic for just a while here, perhaps.. Just perhaps.. It’s what the universe wanted me to experienced. After all, the universe is bigger than me. Bigger than us.

I remember I wanted to feel so in love, against all of the odss and reasons: and it’s what the universe granted me. He fits the list I made in my notebook. I bragged about it with my close friends. The list is not that long, but it just what I wanted for in a person… at the surface. That’s when the problem started I think, because it’s not reached the depth that I actually wanted and or needed. I focused so much on the outside that forgot about something so fundamental like life values and principles. I just realized, I can’t be with him because it’d be against all of my existence, and it’s what I’ve felt all along: alone and alienated. We’re just….. so different. This is so cliché, but it’s true. Do you ever feel like one day you have to stay away from people, take a break from the noises, escape from life? I constantly felt like that since I was in a kindergarten. Anxiety is my old bestfriend. I already questioning my own existence since then, because of what I’ve been through, and it’s fucking exhausting. That’s why I always kind of need my own personal space, to not giving a damn for life once in a while. But, being with him… was worse, that once in a while, became multiples, because our differences made me felt irrelevant almost all along. I became lonelier day by day and denying the facts that we’re just not compatible.

It’s not always like that.  

The first months we’re being together I felt really happy, because I thought we’re in sync, and my friends saw it too. I mean… Look at all of my writings that I wrote about him. He was the hand that lifted me from colorless life. He was my home. But, turns out, it just him… trying to be compatible with me. You shouldn’t do that in a relationship. That’s why they always said be yourself, isn’t it? So you don’t get tired by pretending to be something that you’re not. So, you don’t have to apologize everytime. I mean.. change for the better is good. But changing who you are…. You really shouldn’t do that.

My friend, Panji, asked me, “masa sih lo nggak tahu (dia kayak gitu)? Itu keterlaluan, sih”. I tried, seriously… I even asked him what he thinks about something big like, “menurut kamu kejadian 65 itu gimana?”, when we’re on train station before I decided to be in relationship with him. What he said back then, was soooooooo different from what he said now. “Buset dah, lo waktu PDKT nanya kayak gituan?”. Yep, I did. I thought, if, he was open to any interpretation for what happened back then, means that, he was open to any possibilities in life, like I did. I’m a “nggak ada yang benar-benar benar, nggak ada yang benar-benar salah” believer, except maybe for something bigger than us like fate and the universe. Plus, because some weird body chemistry I felt back then (it’s in Belajar Ikhlas posts), I even asked him from the very start what he wanted in our relationship, because I’m tired from the uncertainties that life always gave me, I wanted to have one… just one thing that was conclusive in my life: our relationship. I always afraid for commitment, but that one time, against all of the odds, I wanted to be sure.  I wasn’t asking to be married right away, heck no, I was just tired hoping something that will hurt me in the end because uncertainty. The lies started there. I dismissed something so important in relationship: trust and honesty. You can’t build a home based on lies and denying that it just a one time lie. It just like you build a structure from a sand in a beach, it would crumble by the waves anytime.

It’s not only that. Because everything that happened in my life, everyday, I struggle to keep motivated, to survive. I feel sadness almost in everyday basis. I could feel pain in ways that most people can’t. Sometime, I could having a breakdown that I don’t know what to do anymore. He knows that. I told him every dark complicated stories in my life from the very start of our relationship, I poured my soul to him, in hope, that he would understand, that somehow, we could having something that worth fighting for, that our soul can cling onto, as us against the world. But that hope also fell apart, when he told me not to cry or I shouldn’t feel the way I felt. He probably meant well. But, the world felt colder, again, because the one person I hope I can feel like I belong to, made me thought what I felt was irrelevant. You know… Telling someone what you feel is already hard, and then being told that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel when you feel like your world has collapsed is like telling them to go fuck themselves.

All of those differences and breakups with him should made me thinks that we shouldn’t be together. We’re not meant to be together. But we, I, kept denying it, always forgave his mistakes. Blinded by illusion. Perhaps, I was afraid. Afraid that I couldn’t find another happiness if I’m letting go all of my efforts to still be with him. Afraid, of the unknown. The uncertainties that life would gives me. Afraid of pain that it would caused later. Afraid to try again and then failed. Afraid of the what ifs. So I hold on at something that I shouldn’t. Causing us unnecessary pain, like he should change to be with me, like I should compromise or justify my values just to be with him, and it’s wrong. We’re like a prisoner in a cell called relationship. We’re loosing ourselves. We hurting each other that way. We shouldn’t doing it.

After having some thoughts alone…  I remember there’s this one time when we just broke up, he asked me to get back together with him, I still loved him back then, it just.. I didn’t want to feel what I felt when I was with him. So I was having a breakdown again, I called my friend, Malika, in the middle of the night, crying and got hysterical. Really frustrated at the same situations and apologize templates he gave me. When this time, he broke me up on whatsapp, all of those lies, those things he did that compromising my physic and mental health, the time when his heart was wavering, strucked me like a thunder, it hits me hard: we can’t be together. So, with all of the courage I’ve left, I did what best for us, leaving and not coming back.

Continued to part 2..